{sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win}

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

I have actually thought a lot about this topic over the past few days, and have ultimately decided to skip it, at least the letter part. I've been hurt a couple times recently, but once I examined the situations, I realized that much of this was probably my own doing. I have not been the most pleasant person to be around or talk to lately. I'm hurting. I'm grieving. I'm confused. I'm lonely. I have unrealistic expectations. I'm figuring things out, one day at a time. Some days are easy, but others are terribly difficult, for reasons I can't even pinpoint. I'm quickly realizing that no one views my life, my situations, or my experiences exactly like I do, so sometimes my thoughts and feelings are impossible to explain. And even when people do hurt me lately, I only feel guilt, as if I'm the one that's overreacting. As if I wouldn't have gotten upset in the first place if I wasn't so over-emotional lately.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel as if I should be making giant steps in the right direction by now. I should be well on my way to being happy. But things keep piling up, one thing after another. I'm confused. The people I want to be there for me are not, at least not to the extent I would like. The ones who have absolutely no reason to be are the ones I end up talking to the most. The ones who I know are always there for me no matter what, my family and my very best friends, I'm having a hard time opening up to. I'm sick of all the shit that's been going on. I'm sick of talking about it, and I'm sick of thinking about it, so I know others must feel the same way. I feel like I need to just get over it, to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I just don't know how to do that. I have a hard time concentrating on anything lately. I find myself over-thinking the past, analyzing, wishing I had done things differently. I don't have the desire to do anything anymore. I keep hoping this will all get better once I move into an apartment, once I'm out on my own, but that in itself is a struggle. I don't want to live alone, to move out of my house, to leave the comforts of my current living situation. Sure, it isn't ideal right now, and it probably isn't healthy, but it is comfortable and familiar. It's safe. 

I know I'm getting stronger. I keep making mistakes, but I keep learning from them. I'm in a much better place than I was a few months ago, and I know things will keep getting better, even if there are setbacks along the way. I just wish the process would speed up a bit. It's amazing I even have any tears left to cry at this point, but they still seem to appear more often than I'd like lately.

I'm absolutely in love with this song. It quite accurately describes how I'm feeling. I didn't include the whole thing, because I'm not there yet. If you don't know it, Google the lyrics. "Little Miss" by Sugarland. I'm hoping that someday soon, I'll get to the end of the song. But until then:

"Little Miss down on luck

Little Miss I give up

Little Miss I'll get tough

Don't you worry about me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress

Little Miss one big mess

Little Miss I'll take less

When I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again..."

{the sound of sunshine}

 Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Lots of things make me happy, but right now, this would make me happiest. Florida. The perks are endless. I'd get to see my mom, who I miss like crazy; bask in the wonderful, scorching heat; lie on the beach and do absolutely nothing; and forget about my life for a short while. I'm sick of everything about North Dakota right now: the bi-polar weather, sitting by myself in the photo studio day after day, the constant reminders of the past, and the realities of the future. I need an escape, to forget about my worries, to move forward, and to become me again. I need to stop thinking so much, and stop trying to plan so much. I need to love more, trust more, live more. I need to take chances and not dwell over the consequences. I need a vacation.

Soon enough, I suppose.

"I wish I had some time just to kill today

and I wish I had a dime for every bill I've got to pay

Some days you lose you win

and the water's as high as the times you're in
so I jump back in there where I learned to swim

try to keep my head above it the best I can
That's why, here I am

just waiting for this storm to pass me by 

and that's the sound of sunshine coming down"

{in time of test, family is best}

Day 17 - A photo of you and your family:

 

Words can't even express how much I love and miss this group of people. I am truly blessed with an amazing family. I'm headed to Florida over Easter to spend the holiday with my parents, and I'm currently booking a trip to Michigan in September to visit my sister and her family. I absolutely can't wait for both trips! I love this group of people, and need to thank God more often for them.

Day 18: Something you crave a lot:

Ice cream. Hands down. In fact, I gave up ice cream for Lent this year, but totally caved tonight and inhaled a Mint Oreo Blizzard. Take my word for it... it was very much necessary.

Day 19: Another picture of yourself:

I'm skipping this one. I don't really have any photos of just me and don't feel like searching for any.

Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name:

Ah. "perceived truth." I chose this name because it is one of the hardest, but most valuable lessons I have learned this past year. Truth is perceived. Two people can be in the same place at the same time, experiencing the exact situation, but their realities and what they believe to be true can be wildly different from one another. This happens constantly in our everyday lives. How often do you and a friend remember the same situation differently, or remember a conversation differently based on the perception of someone's body language or tone of voice? This is a fairly complex topic, but I found it fitting for my blog name. This is my reality. You may not agree with what I say, but my posts are based off of my experiences and perceived truth. More on this topic at a later date. ;)

{oops!}

More catch-up. Man I suck at this challenge!

Day 14: A TV show you're currently addicted to.

I know, I'm nowhere near a typical American... but I almost never watch TV. Lately though my favorites have been the Top 20 countdowns on VH1 and CMT. Gotta love lazy weekend mornings!

Day 15: Something you don't leave the house without.

This one is easy - my cell phone! I feel naked without it!

Day 16: Your celebrity crush.

I don't follow celebrities much, but I guess if I had to choose... ;)
Ryan Phillippe is kind of a hottie.

{catching up...}

Ok, so I only made it a week on the blog challenge thing. I'll do a quick catch-up and try to get back on track this week.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

... I can't say 'cause it was a gift! ;)

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

... I don't really have a favorite place to eat, so I'm skipping this one too. Unless ColdStone or Dairy Queen count... hehe.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?

... Ohhh man. I'm a little embarrassed about my makeup bag. That's because it isn't really a makeup bag... it's multiple makeup bags. I really don't consider myself high-maintenance, but somehow I've acquired more makeup than one girl should ever be allowed to own. My essentials though: Bare Minerals Foundation and Mineral Veil, Lancome Hypnose Mascara, and Burt's Bees chapstick. The rest changes daily depending on my mood. :)

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

... How about a mental picture? It is covered in snow, with a little bit of melting going on, and is as flat as the day is long!

Day 13 -- Your favorite musician and why.

... Although I like a huge variety of music, I'm going to have to go with Dave Matthews on this one. His songs are unique, the lyrics are clever and often complicated, and I almost never get sick of listening to him. His concerts are amazing as well. If you ever want to hit one up, let me know! I've been to 5 and would jump at the chance to go to more.

So, besides my 30 day blog challenge that I'm failing miserably at, life is slowly looking up lately. I'm in the middle of apartment hunting, which is simultaneously refreshing and depressing, but such is life. I'm trying to remind myself that there are many people much worse off than me, and I'm working on being grateful to the fact that I can afford to put a roof over my own head and stand on my own two feet. In reality, this is only a temporary living situation. Someday I'll live in a house again, and I'll be all the more grateful for it after living in an apartment for a while.

{we live, we love}

Blog challenge, day 8: A song to fit your mood.
Love this song.

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost her son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
(so she could say she loved him one last time)
And hold him tight
But with life we never know when we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

There's a man who waits for the tests to
See if the cancer had spread yet
And now he asks so why did I wait to live 'til it was time to die
If I could have the time back, how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well, this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day
Is a gift somehow, someway
And get our heads up out of this darkness
And spark this new mindset and start on with life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We're supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life is worth living

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

“look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror”

I am a contradiction.

I keep my guard up, yet I'm vulnerable.

I have a deep belief in forgiveness, but still break down in tears because of anger.

I want to move away, yet I can't imagine leaving.

I'm moving forward, while I still dwell on the past.

I'm finding happiness, yet I sabotage that happiness.

I ride an emotional roller coaster on a daily basis, but I'm stronger than I've ever been.

Starting today, I will create my own happiness.

I will never apologize for being myself

... or for someone else's mistakes.

Starting today, I will believe people's actions, not their words.

I will believe what I know in my heart to be true,

and I refuse to be a pushover.

Starting today, I will be a great friend to those who deserve it,

... and forget about those who are selfish, pathological liars.

Starting today, I will know and believe that I'm a good person.

I refuse to cry one more tear over those who won't cry over me,

and I will put my whole heart into healthy relationships.

Starting today, I will be both strong and emotional.
I will laugh without reservation, love without holding back,
and cry freely if my emotions move me to tears.

Starting today, I will learn from my mistakes,
move on with my life instead of dwelling on the past,
and let God deal with the mistakes of others.

{blog challenge, day 7}

Day 7: Your dream wedding.

Yuck. I'm nowhere near ready to talk about weddings yet. I guess all I know is that if I ever have another one, I want it to be very simple in someplace beautiful, with a man who adores me and that I find irresistible, without a doubt in my mind that it will last forever. Easy enough, right? ;)

To supplement this lack of a post, I'll share another one later tonight. Stay tuned.

{if I could have any pet...}

Blog challenge, day 6: A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

What a lame topic today. Here's what I'd have to choose though:

That's right, if I could have any animal as a pet, I'd choose a puppy. It seems stupid, but I'm pretty allergic to most animals, so the ability to own a dog and not have to take any medications because of it would be awesome! Maybe someday when I have my own house again, I'll get all drugged up just so I can have one :)

{myself 2 years ago}

Blog challenge, day 5: A photo of yourself two years ago.

Two years ago, I was just starting to get into photography. This was taken by Bethy at the Plains Art Museum. I tagged along with her and a couple other photographers to have a little fun shooting and to gain some experience. Let's just say I've come a long way since then!

"friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things"

Blog challenge, day 4: A photo of your best friend.

Jess Brammer... there's so much I could say about this girl. We met in the Marketing Office at Scheels, and didn't exactly hit it off right away. Our opposite personalities clashed a bit at first, but we started to bond over our jobs, and quickly became inseparable.

Both of us have gone through some pretty rough times over the past couple years, and even though we've lived in separate cities throughout much of our friendship, we seem to be able to keep contact on an almost daily basis, and always pick up right where we left off. Friends like Jess are rare. She pushes me when I'm lazy, challenges my decisions, and encourages me when I make mistakes. Love this girl :)

"don't cry for a man who's left you - the next one may fall for your smile"

Blog challenge, day 3: Your idea of a perfect first date.

Well, this one's a toughie. I honestly don't have much experience with first dates. Most of the guys I have dated in the past I was good friends with first, so there was never really that "typical" awkward first date. Besides that, I'm not exactly the best person to write about this topic at the moment. I'm just starting to get back into the dating scene, and it is just as tough as I remember it to be. On top of the usual dating confusion and hardships, I'm adding in my own troubles - a recent failed marriage and a complete fall-out with my best friend, which together have resulted in a complete lack of trust in most people, severe questioning of my own judgments, and a little bit of doubt about love in general.

I'm a hopeless romantic, so I know I'll bounce back. Unfortunately, I also know myself pretty well, and I know I'll fall along the way. I've already made some poor decisions, let stupid things bother me too much, and listened to other people when I should have listened to my own heart.

So... my idea of a perfect first date. Right now, I'd have to say it would consist of real, open, honest conversation with someone who is patient and understanding. The location really doesn't matter. Oh, and a glass of wine in hand, of course. ;)

{something I ate today}

This is gonna be a quick one. Something I ate today:

This was part of my lunch. Mmm. It's funny... whenever I start gaining a few pounds and decide I need to get back on track, that's when I can't stop eating junk food! It doesn't help that I'm an emotional eater. When things are going wrong, nothing is more comforting than junky, fatty foods. Oh well. Beauty is only skin deep, right? ;)

{blog challenge}

I came across this 30-day blog challenge, and thought it would be a good way to get some ideas flowing, possibly some more lighthearted posts, and hopefully a few photos incorporated into this blog. I still want to blog about my own topics, so I'm sure I'll somehow incorporate the two. Here's how it shakes out:

30 Day Blog Challenge:
Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past.

Therefore, here's day 1:

This photo was taken on my recent photo shoot in Orlando... I like it 'cause you can't really see my face! ;)

Today was pretty average. My alarm went off at 6:30, and I hit snooze every five minutes until 7:00 just like I do every day. Yes, I know it would make more sense to just set my alarm for 7:00 and get that extra half hour of uninterrupted sleep, but there's always that slim chance that I'll actually get my butt out of bed just a teeny bit earlier. Ha.

Work was pretty average today, although I've been feeling fairly out of sorts all week. I think I'll blame it on all my traveling this past month, although I'm not sure if that's quite all of it. I've been lacking focus, and find it hard to concentrate on one task. Once again, I'm bombarded with random thoughts and memories throughout the day, and I'm hoping blogging a bit more will help channel all of that.

After work I hung out with a couple of great friends... two ladies I have known since the three of us were in preschool. We did exactly what friends that have known each other forever would be expected to do... vegged out on pizza loaf, watched pointless television shows, facebooked, apartment hunted, told stories about our families, cleaned up some baby puke, and shared the latest pointless gossip.

These are the kinds of friends many people, including myself, often take for granted. They're also some of the best kinds of friends to have and I love those girls to death!

I totally caved and stopped by Coldstone Creamery on my way home tonight... which means I skipped my workout. Day two of half-marathon training and I'm already skipping. Not good! Off to bed so I can get up and run before work tomorrow so Jess doesn't give me too much crap ;)

Oh, and as usual, I'll close with a random lyric. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with my post, but is relevant to me nonetheless:

"There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

... Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball"