{sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win}

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

I have actually thought a lot about this topic over the past few days, and have ultimately decided to skip it, at least the letter part. I've been hurt a couple times recently, but once I examined the situations, I realized that much of this was probably my own doing. I have not been the most pleasant person to be around or talk to lately. I'm hurting. I'm grieving. I'm confused. I'm lonely. I have unrealistic expectations. I'm figuring things out, one day at a time. Some days are easy, but others are terribly difficult, for reasons I can't even pinpoint. I'm quickly realizing that no one views my life, my situations, or my experiences exactly like I do, so sometimes my thoughts and feelings are impossible to explain. And even when people do hurt me lately, I only feel guilt, as if I'm the one that's overreacting. As if I wouldn't have gotten upset in the first place if I wasn't so over-emotional lately.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel as if I should be making giant steps in the right direction by now. I should be well on my way to being happy. But things keep piling up, one thing after another. I'm confused. The people I want to be there for me are not, at least not to the extent I would like. The ones who have absolutely no reason to be are the ones I end up talking to the most. The ones who I know are always there for me no matter what, my family and my very best friends, I'm having a hard time opening up to. I'm sick of all the shit that's been going on. I'm sick of talking about it, and I'm sick of thinking about it, so I know others must feel the same way. I feel like I need to just get over it, to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I just don't know how to do that. I have a hard time concentrating on anything lately. I find myself over-thinking the past, analyzing, wishing I had done things differently. I don't have the desire to do anything anymore. I keep hoping this will all get better once I move into an apartment, once I'm out on my own, but that in itself is a struggle. I don't want to live alone, to move out of my house, to leave the comforts of my current living situation. Sure, it isn't ideal right now, and it probably isn't healthy, but it is comfortable and familiar. It's safe. 

I know I'm getting stronger. I keep making mistakes, but I keep learning from them. I'm in a much better place than I was a few months ago, and I know things will keep getting better, even if there are setbacks along the way. I just wish the process would speed up a bit. It's amazing I even have any tears left to cry at this point, but they still seem to appear more often than I'd like lately.

I'm absolutely in love with this song. It quite accurately describes how I'm feeling. I didn't include the whole thing, because I'm not there yet. If you don't know it, Google the lyrics. "Little Miss" by Sugarland. I'm hoping that someday soon, I'll get to the end of the song. But until then:

"Little Miss down on luck

Little Miss I give up

Little Miss I'll get tough

Don't you worry about me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress

Little Miss one big mess

Little Miss I'll take less

When I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again..."