"half a truth is often a great lie"

I've been struggling with the idea of trust lately. Growing up, I was always a very trusting person, believing that all people meant well at all times, and even when things went wrong, I forgave quickly because I just knew the hurt wasn't intentional. I lost a bit of this mentality in college after going through a bit of a rough spell with guys. For a solid year, I constantly managed to attract jerks whose goals with me became pretty clear very quickly. Thanks to a few good friends, I usually managed to get out of these situations unharmed. Over time, my trust in males and people in general came back as strong as it had ever been.

As of late, this trust has been completely shattered again, and I'm struggling with getting it back. It was easy to dismiss those college guys that I barely knew. But what happens when your best friends betray you? How do you regain that trust? Now I'm finding it difficult not only to trust people I don't know very well, but I'm struggling to trust those closest to me as well. As much as I want to trust others and believe they only have good intentions, there's constantly a small seed of doubt in my mind, secretly believing people are selfish and only do or say things that may benefit themselves.

In my heart, I know this way of thinking is wrong. I look at myself as a prime example. I believe that I am a good person with good intentions, yet I too have betrayed people closest to me. Sometimes lying isn't the only way of being dishonest. Even truths that aren't disclosed, truths that are intentionally hidden so as not to hurt someone, can cause immense pain once uncovered.

I am a hardcore, full-fledged people-pleaser. Rarely do I stand up for myself or say what I think because I don't like hurting people's feelings. I've come to realize that this is actually one form of lying. I didn't realize it until a fellow people-pleaser, someone whom I thought was much like myself and whom I thought was a good friend, did this to me. He couldn't decide what he wanted, didn't want to hurt anyone, and didn't want to own up to the truth... so he held things in, dodging issues, problems, and people's feelings until I couldn't stand it anymore. As if this wasn't bad enough, he also was a straight-up liar, the kind who you'd ask a question to, and he'd flat out lie to your face. Apparently, this combination can really mess with a person's mind.

As someone who's really interested in psychology, it is actually quite interesting to watch someone intentionally manipulate people. Don't get me wrong, it is awful in so many ways, especially when you're involved in the situation, but it really intrigues me to watch a web of lies unfold. It's quite fascinating to go back in my mind and relive situations, piecing events, situations, and conversations together with knowledge I didn't have at the time. I guess that's why they say "hindsight is always 20/20."

Unfortunately, this is a bit sickening as well, and brings me back to my original point. How do you find that trust again? How do you allow people in without the constant fear being hurt or betrayed? Only time will tell, I guess. Above all, and after all the trials I've had in my life, I still believe that love, compassion, forgiveness and faith are most important. If you have these, things will fall into place eventually, and trust will somehow find it's way back.

I'll leave you with a couple of my favorite quotes, which happen to be about trust:

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

"We are never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."

Tell the truth, people. It's more important than you may ever realize.

"the key to change... is to let go of fear"

"And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"

-- excerpt from "Not Afraid" by Eminem

I love Eminem's songs. I love the raw, uncensored emotion in his lyrics and how confidence just radiates from him. Sure, he's controversial, but he tells it like it is!

This particular verse struck me today. Over the past few days, I've finally begun taking steps towards personal recovery. I'm ridding myself of the toxic, negative people in my life and surrounding myself with positive, supportive ones. I'm young, I'm single, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I can do whatever I want, live wherever I want, with no one stopping me!

I was feeling really empowered with these thoughts today, until I realized I have no idea what I want. I've applied for a few jobs out of state, with zero luck, and I'm starting to wonder if I really want to leave, or if I'm running from my problems. I'm torn in so many ways. One one hand, moving somewhere I've never lived before is terrifying. I have friends here, and depending on where I'd move, I might not know anyone. I'd seriously be alone. I likely wouldn't find a job in photography, so I'd have to start that up on the side, slowly gaining clients only after I'd met people and gained their trust. I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up just yet.

On the other hand, this might be my chance to really take charge of my life. I could start over where no one knows me, where I could create first impressions based on who I want to be. I have so much history here. Fargo has such a small town feel, and it seems that everyone is somehow connected to one another. I hate being out and about, wondering who I'll run into that I'm trying to avoid, what restaurant or bar I'll end up at that I used to frequent with certain people, and what memories will come rushing back.

I have a good job here, good friends, and a huge network of acquaintances that are more than willing to help me out if I ever need it. But moving away intrigues me. Thinking about my future is both terrifying and exciting. For now, I think I'll stay in limbo and just see what happens. There have been so many question marks in my life lately... what harm will one more do?

Since you already know I'm a sucker for lyrics, I'll leave you with a few more.

"Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy

Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change"

- excerpt from "Maybe" by Sick Puppies

... maybe.

"waste no tears over the grieves of yesterday"

If you've been following my blog or my facebook updates at all, you've probably realized that I've been having a tough time lately. Going though a divorce is hard, even if you're the one who wants it. No, it might not have worked out as a marriage, but I respect him as a friend. It's hard to hurt friends, and it is hard to admit mistakes. Then there's the shattered relationship with my supposed best friend. I have a hard time letting friendships go, and this one was no exception. Emotions are a fragile thing, and no matter what type of relationship you're in, they need to be respected. Add on top of this the fact that my parents are moving to Florida. I've never lived more than an hour and 15 minutes from my parents. This will be a tough adjustment, although I'm stoked to have a sunny place to visit! Now add into this all the petty things... unnecessary drama at work, trying to get back on my feet financially, splitting up possessions, general self-consciousness... it is pretty easy to feel sorry for myself.


Starting now, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. We all get to make choices. We can't control the behaviors of others, but in every moment of every day, we are mapping out our future by the things we do and say. It is easy to regret our decisions, but if you think about it, the choices we make are based upon what we want at that moment. There's no way to know what would happen as a result of those decisions; no way to know how another person would react. Therefore, I'm not going to regret anymore, and I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I've learned so many valuable lessons; I'm going to leave it at that, and keep looking to the future.


I've always been a sucker for music. I oftentimes get lyrics stuck in my head that somehow relate to me and my life at that moment. To me, it is comforting knowing that someone, somewhere has felt the way that I do right now. Music is a way of connecting people in the world, without them ever knowing one another. Here are some random lines from random songs that paint a picture of my thoughts over the past few months. They likely won't make sense to anyone else, but it was interesting and almost therapeutic for me to take a walk back through these past six months. I added my two cents after some of them too ;)

"There's gotta be something more, gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss. I'm gonna take my chances, taking a chance I might find what I'm looking for... there's gotta be something more."

{sometimes, you just know when something isn't right}

"I fall so hard inside the idea of you; that's why, with you, can't say what I mean..."

{sometimes we crave change so badly, that the idea of someone else is more ideal that the life we are currently living. Unfortunately... ideas and reality do not always coincide}

"Don't think I don't think about it... don't think I don't have regrets. Don't think it don't get to me, between the work and the hurt and the whiskey..." 

 

"Wish I knew then what I know now; you held all the cards and sold me out. Baby, shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice. You've been a pretty hard case to crack, I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back..."

{sometimes God needs to teach us lessons multiple times in order to get the point across. Ok, God, I get it now!}

"Now I know God has his reasons, but sometimes it's hard to see them..." 

"Please don't come around talkin' bout that you love me, cause that love shit just ain't for me, I don't wanna hear that you adore me; and I know that all you're doing is running your mind games, don't you know that game's began, so your best bet is to be straight with me."

"Lightning strikes inside my chest to keep me up at night... dream of ways to make you understand my pain."

{regardless of how hard you try, some people will never understand. Or, maybe they just don't care to}

"No I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret..."

{sometimes we have to walk away from the things we know are bad for us, no matter how badly we want to fix them}

"Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse 'I love you'..."

{read this one again... and again. Now, live it. So simple. Yet so essential}

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care?'"

{I can't even count how many things I'm afraid of right now.... but I just don't care}

"Yeah I think I'm gonna make it, cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb."
{faith is essential to forgiving, forgetting, and moving on}

"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than f*in' perfect."
{never let anyone make you feel inferior}

"You’ve got opinions, man; we’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked. So let me thank you for your time, try not to waste anymore of mine, and get out of here fast."

{time to move on!}

So, I just re-read all this. Yeah, it doesn't make too much sense, even to me. So I'll just end it on this one and call it a night:

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy!" ;)

"there is always, always, always something to be thankful for"

I'm switching gears a little bit tonight. Instead of talking about everything that has failed in my life, I want to give a shout out to those things that I'm thankful for.

First and foremost: my family. They are my rock. Even when I push them away and refuse to talk, they are still there constantly, with smiles on their faces, doing anything in their power to keep one on mine. The older I get, the more I realize how important they are to me. I have wonderful parents and an amazing sister. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Not to mention my incredibly sweet nephews... Andrew's constant smiles and big hugs; Logan's baby babbles and sweet innocence... it brings tears to my eyes when I see them on Skype, or when I have to leave them. They mean the world to me and are a great reminder of what's important in life.

I'm also quickly learning the importance of my extended family. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins out there who keep me in check and are willing to do anything to help me. Never underestimate your relatives, folks. I promise you, the older you get, the more important keeping in touch with them seems to become.

Next: my friends. It's crazy who will become your friend if you just let people in. I'm blessed to have an amazing best friend... one who practices tough love when she needs to, never says "I told you so," even when she has every right to, and cares enough to say hi every single day, whether she knows anything new or not.

In addition to my best friend, I'm discovering a whole realm of friends I either neglected or didn't know existed six months ago. From high school buddies, to exes and exes wives, to co-workers, to friends who live on the other side of the country... I did nothing to deserve their friendship and kindness, yet there they are. I've learned a plethora of lessons from them already; from realizing that I'm not the only one who's gone through a difficult situation, to reminders of the importance of keeping a positive attitude, to the comfort of just relaxing and vegging out on greasy food and watching pointless tv shows.

Next on the list: I'm thankful for my health. I've had many health problems in the past, and thankfully, they seem to have only slowed down as I've gotten older. Sure, my health still isn't perfect, but I'll take swallowing a teeny pill once a day over surgeries and hospitals any day. My scars remind me daily that beauty is truly only skin deep. My self-consciousness is a constant reminder of the importance of being modest, and a reminder to not become vain.

Lastly, I'm thankful for my current financial situation. Sure, I had to trade in a vehicle that I loved for a smaller one with fewer bells and whistles, and sure, I will have to give up luxuries that I've gotten used to having. But when you possess all the blessings I've been given that I've just mentioned, it's easy to forget about the material things. I won't end up on the streets, I can pay my bills, and I'm becoming independent for the first time in my life. Now that's something worth being thankful for.

"you gotta live and learn, so you can learn to live"

Here's a little addendum to my last post. I talked a lot about being there for someone when it isn't convenient and putting your own feelings aside to help someone else. I'm going to go ahead and contradict myself a little bit here. (Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want)! Temporarily setting your feelings aside to help someone else and completely sacrificing your own happiness are two very different things.

I've learned the hard way, a few times over the past few years, the difference between these. For me, it is really easy to get caught up in wanting to be there for someone and helping them through tough times. I'm sensitive, I'm a good listener... damn it, I can help you if you just let me in! Unfortunately, this has caused me to crash and burn on more than one occasion. Sometimes, I want so badly to help someone that I get in over my head. I get to the point where they don't need or want help, but yet I can't let go for fear of abandoning them. And, in doing so, I'm sure I become quite annoying.

Now, don't take this the wrong way. I am in no way saying I'm selfless. Yeah, I've had some moments where I was, and I'm proud of those. But I have been told on a handful of occasions over the past few months, from a few different people, how selfish I am. I'm not going to lie. That hurt. Especially since a couple of those people were the very ones I sacrificed my feelings and happiness for to try to help. There must be some truth in it though, especially since I've heard it from multiple people. That's beside the point though.

My point today is this: sometimes, you have to be selfish. I'm quickly learning that it is impossible to make everyone happy, no matter how hard I may try. What makes one person happy might infuriate the next. To try to please everyone is a vicious task that is impossible to accomplish.

So from now on, screw it. I'm going to be a little bit selfish. Not bitchy, or vain, or manipulative. (Sorry, the sarcasm has to stay!) ;) But I refuse to sacrifice myself anymore. Now, you may not think I deserve it... but something's got to give here, so I'm trying a new approach. I'm sure not happy with the way things have turned out thus far, so instead of sitting around willing things to change, I'm going to actively work towards it. I'm going to take a break from relationships and "fixing" people and concentrate on the things that make me happy. Reading, writing, taking photos for myself and not just while I'm at work, learning to make myself something for supper besides a bowl of cereal (that one starts tomorrow)... and who knows what else I'll come up with.

I keep going back to this one lately: "Sometimes it's best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." True story.

"a friend loves at all times"

Friendship. What a seemingly simple, yet terribly complex topic. See, the thing about friendship is, you both have to be on the same page in order for it to work. Best friends should be the easy one: I'd do anything for you, you'd do anything for me. Done deal. But it doesn't always seem to work like that. What happens when you'd do anything for your friend, and that person won't reciprocate?


I've learned an awful lot about friendship lately. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of unconditional love, receiving it when I didn't deserve it, and giving it where it wasn't deserved. Out of everything I've learned these past few months, this has been the hardest to deal with, on both ends. On the surface, receiving unconditional friendship should be simple. However, it most definitely is not. Receiving it means I did something wrong, and my friend forgave me. Maybe I shouldn't generalize here. For me, this was hard. Sometimes guilt and shame are so heavy, it is hard to accept forgiveness, or even fathom why you'd be forgiven in the first place.


It wasn't until I was on the giving end of unconditional friendship that I could finally understand how or why it could be given to me. Only then did I realize what it truly meant to be selfless. Here's a quick lesson: you are truly selfless when you put someone else in front of yourself, even when it causes you immense pain. I used to think being selfless meant doing something nice for someone, or saying kind words. But those things are easy to do. What if someone so close to you wrongs you so badly, you feel pain you couldn't have even imagined them imposing on you? Do you put those feelings aside and help them anyway, despite the pain they've caused?


According to Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times." Even when it is inconvenient, even when it is painful. I've always (perhaps wrongfully) prided myself on being a good friend. If you know me at all, you know I'm insanely emotional, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. For as long as I can remember, I've had a hard time letting close friendships go without a fight. Looking back, it was probably because of selfish reasons. Who will I lean on if I don't have you? I'm finally realizing that friendship isn't about having someone to lean on. It is about allowing someone to lean on you. It is only if they allow you to do the same, that you have a true, selfless friendship.


There's much, much more I could say on this topic, but I will save it for another day. Until then, remember, "true friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not."

"the truth is rarely pure and never simple"

Alright friends, here it is. My very own blog, full of words and everything. ;) I promise I'll keep updating my photography blog too (at least as often as I have been...). After the seemingly never-ending tornado that tore it's way through my life for the past 6 months or so, here I am. Full of thoughts, quotes, random words, and brilliant (or maybe ridiculous) ideas and dreams. I'm in desperate need of channeling all this, so here goes nothing.

As of late, I've remembered my love of writing. And for the first time in a very, very long time, life has some clarity. I come up with observations, thoughts, and revelations throughout the day; while I'm working, driving, eating, daydreaming. Today they started bombarding me to the point of insanity, so I resorted to jotting down "topics" in the memo pad on my phone.

Disclaimer: You may need to take this blog with a grain of salt. One of the many things I've learned is that people are different. From the outside, they may seem to be involved in the same situation, with the same facts, and the same realities. This is insanely false. Truth is perceived. What finally dawns on someone, whether it be lessons learned or truths uncovered, is likely perceived differently by someone involved in the same situation. A lesson one has learned, the other likely has not yet, because they live in a different reality. Therefore, none of my posts are meant to preach, teach, or diagnose.

I'm no philosopher. I'm no psychologist either, although I still wish I would have sucked up the 6 years of school I would have endured. I AM, however, a thinker, a writer, and emotional to a fault. So, here's the result of that. A thoughtful, playful, messy montage of words, spilled out on my screen for the sole purpose of me getting them out of my head. Read on if you wish, try to decipher if you dare, and laugh at me if I'm ridiculous. I'm doing this for my own sake... if you get anything out of it, whether it be wisdom and encouragement in your own life, or a good chuckle at my expense every now and again, then that's just an added bonus.

Enjoy!