Here's a little addendum to my last post. I talked a lot about being there for someone when it isn't convenient and putting your own feelings aside to help someone else. I'm going to go ahead and contradict myself a little bit here. (Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want)! Temporarily setting your feelings aside to help someone else and completely sacrificing your own happiness are two very different things.
I've learned the hard way, a few times over the past few years, the difference between these. For me, it is really easy to get caught up in wanting to be there for someone and helping them through tough times. I'm sensitive, I'm a good listener... damn it, I can help you if you just let me in! Unfortunately, this has caused me to crash and burn on more than one occasion. Sometimes, I want so badly to help someone that I get in over my head. I get to the point where they don't need or want help, but yet I can't let go for fear of abandoning them. And, in doing so, I'm sure I become quite annoying.
Now, don't take this the wrong way. I am in no way saying I'm selfless. Yeah, I've had some moments where I was, and I'm proud of those. But I have been told on a handful of occasions over the past few months, from a few different people, how selfish I am. I'm not going to lie. That hurt. Especially since a couple of those people were the very ones I sacrificed my feelings and happiness for to try to help. There must be some truth in it though, especially since I've heard it from multiple people. That's beside the point though.
My point today is this: sometimes, you have to be selfish. I'm quickly learning that it is impossible to make everyone happy, no matter how hard I may try. What makes one person happy might infuriate the next. To try to please everyone is a vicious task that is impossible to accomplish.
So from now on, screw it. I'm going to be a little bit selfish. Not bitchy, or vain, or manipulative. (Sorry, the sarcasm has to stay!) ;) But I refuse to sacrifice myself anymore. Now, you may not think I deserve it... but something's got to give here, so I'm trying a new approach. I'm sure not happy with the way things have turned out thus far, so instead of sitting around willing things to change, I'm going to actively work towards it. I'm going to take a break from relationships and "fixing" people and concentrate on the things that make me happy. Reading, writing, taking photos for myself and not just while I'm at work, learning to make myself something for supper besides a bowl of cereal (that one starts tomorrow)... and who knows what else I'll come up with.
I keep going back to this one lately: "Sometimes it's best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve." True story.
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