I've been struggling with the idea of trust lately. Growing up, I was always a very trusting person, believing that all people meant well at all times, and even when things went wrong, I forgave quickly because I just knew the hurt wasn't intentional. I lost a bit of this mentality in college after going through a bit of a rough spell with guys. For a solid year, I constantly managed to attract jerks whose goals with me became pretty clear very quickly. Thanks to a few good friends, I usually managed to get out of these situations unharmed. Over time, my trust in males and people in general came back as strong as it had ever been.
As of late, this trust has been completely shattered again, and I'm struggling with getting it back. It was easy to dismiss those college guys that I barely knew. But what happens when your best friends betray you? How do you regain that trust? Now I'm finding it difficult not only to trust people I don't know very well, but I'm struggling to trust those closest to me as well. As much as I want to trust others and believe they only have good intentions, there's constantly a small seed of doubt in my mind, secretly believing people are selfish and only do or say things that may benefit themselves.
In my heart, I know this way of thinking is wrong. I look at myself as a prime example. I believe that I am a good person with good intentions, yet I too have betrayed people closest to me. Sometimes lying isn't the only way of being dishonest. Even truths that aren't disclosed, truths that are intentionally hidden so as not to hurt someone, can cause immense pain once uncovered.
I am a hardcore, full-fledged people-pleaser. Rarely do I stand up for myself or say what I think because I don't like hurting people's feelings. I've come to realize that this is actually one form of lying. I didn't realize it until a fellow people-pleaser, someone whom I thought was much like myself and whom I thought was a good friend, did this to me. He couldn't decide what he wanted, didn't want to hurt anyone, and didn't want to own up to the truth... so he held things in, dodging issues, problems, and people's feelings until I couldn't stand it anymore. As if this wasn't bad enough, he also was a straight-up liar, the kind who you'd ask a question to, and he'd flat out lie to your face. Apparently, this combination can really mess with a person's mind.
As someone who's really interested in psychology, it is actually quite interesting to watch someone intentionally manipulate people. Don't get me wrong, it is awful in so many ways, especially when you're involved in the situation, but it really intrigues me to watch a web of lies unfold. It's quite fascinating to go back in my mind and relive situations, piecing events, situations, and conversations together with knowledge I didn't have at the time. I guess that's why they say "hindsight is always 20/20."
Unfortunately, this is a bit sickening as well, and brings me back to my original point. How do you find that trust again? How do you allow people in without the constant fear being hurt or betrayed? Only time will tell, I guess. Above all, and after all the trials I've had in my life, I still believe that love, compassion, forgiveness and faith are most important. If you have these, things will fall into place eventually, and trust will somehow find it's way back.
I'll leave you with a couple of my favorite quotes, which happen to be about trust:
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."
"We are never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."
Tell the truth, people. It's more important than you may ever realize.
Nicely written and I understand where you are coming from! I've gone through a similar experience just recently and asked myself the same question - I guess only time and positive experience will bring back the lost trust.
ReplyDeleteAnother saying you might like: "It takes years to gain trust but only a moment to destroy it."