“courage is the power to let go of the familiar”

I haven't posted in a while. Ooops. I've been ridiculously busy and distracted lately, most recently because of a wonderful vacation in Florida. I've never been less ready to come home from vacation. Laying on the beach with no worries, not thinking or doing a damn thing, was amazing. Since I've returned home, life has proven more hectic and stressful than it has been for quite some time.

I completely finished moving out of my house last night, and we officially close tomorrow morning. It's been a rough few days to be quite honest. Tomorrow, I'm closing a long chapter of my life. One that had many ups and downs; one that looking back, I wouldn't trade for the world. I have learned so many things, and met people who have forever changed my life.

Although things didn't work out in marriage with Justin, I will always have deep respect for him and be forever thankful for the lessons he's taught me. Him and I have both made mistakes that we've had a hard time dealing with, but he taught me that forgiveness is essential. Not only forgiving your debtors, but forgiving yourself as well. It's kind of strange... I'm ok with my marriage ending, but I'm sad I'll be losing a great friend. It's funny the way life works out sometimes. Just one short year ago, I was practically inseparable with my husband and someone who was seemingly our best friend. Now, I will probably never talk to either one of them again.

Tonight I went for a run outside, something I haven't done in a very long time (outdoors or indoors). The weather was perfect, and it was a great opportunity to clear my head. I realized I need to get back to taking care of myself, both physically and mentally. Throughout the course of the divorce process, I went through a phase where I was hardly eating, and lost about 15 pounds. I weighed less than I did when I graduated high school, and was actually feeling good about how I looked on the outside. I felt awful though, since I was barely eating, wasn't working out at all, and was mentally drained. As of late, I've gone the opposite direction, and fallen back into the habit of emotional eating. I've gained about 12 pounds back, still haven't been working out, and am still struggling with my emotions.

Soon, things will settle down and I'll fall into a "normal" routine again. I'm going to take this opportunity to make significant changes for my health and well-being. Eating healthier, working out regularly, and properly balancing time between friends and "me" time. I need to remember the things that really make me happy or relaxed, and do them on a regular basis. Taking photos, spending time outside, taking time to purposely shut my mind off. I was asked to be on a sand volleyball team today, and I'm just stoked. I love volleyball, and really miss playing.

One more thing I need to work on is being a better friend again. I've been so consumed with my own life and troubles lately, I haven't been taking the time to be there for the people who mean a lot to me. You might remember my "a friend loves at all times" post back in January. I truly believed in what I was saying, but lost some of that mindset when my trust was shattered. I'm (very) slowly gaining back my trust in other people, as well as trusting myself.

Tomorrow will be a tough day, and I know it won't come and go without shedding tears. But, it will come and go and life will go on, and I'll be stronger for it in the long run.

{photo: something that means a lot to me...}

Blog challenge - Day ? Uhh, I don't even know anymore!

A photo of something that means a lot to you:

 

A couple of someones who mean an awful lot to me... my stinkin' adorable, sweet, happy nephews. I would do anything in the world for these two! I miss and love them like crazy.

Side note to my sissy: I stole this pic from you :) We should take some updated ones when I come visit!

{little miss you'll go far... little miss hide your scars...}

I know, I'm really behind on this challenge. I'll continue with it anyway...

15 facts about me:

1. I love my family to pieces. My mom, dad, and sister are the best I could have ever asked for. I also have two ridiculously cute nephews, whom I absolutely adore.

2. I have lived in North Dakota my entire life. I'm undecided as to whether or not I will stay here.

3. I have never smoked a cigarette, nor will I ever date someone that smokes.

4. I've had eight major surgeries, but have never broken a bone.

5. I hardly ever watch TV.

6. I am emotional to a fault.

7. I love a good glass of wine... or a good cup of coffee.

8. I am absolutely NOT a morning person. Even less so lately.

9. Writing is my outlet... although writing 15 pointless facts about myself is proving to be quite difficult.

10. I hate politics... and math.

11. I am simultaneously excited and scared to death about what the future holds. 

12. Although I'm a photographer, I've never considered myself to be a very creative person.

13. Psychology intrigues me, and if I ever have to start a new career, I'd go that route.

14. I love quotes and song lyrics. It's a comforting feeling when I hear one that exactly matches my mood or thoughts, knowing I'm not the only one who's ever felt that way.

15. In less than two years, I have gotten married, bought a house, switched jobs, lost a grandmother, gotten divorced, sold a house, "lost" a best friend, and learned more life lessons than I ever thought possible.

{sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win}

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

I have actually thought a lot about this topic over the past few days, and have ultimately decided to skip it, at least the letter part. I've been hurt a couple times recently, but once I examined the situations, I realized that much of this was probably my own doing. I have not been the most pleasant person to be around or talk to lately. I'm hurting. I'm grieving. I'm confused. I'm lonely. I have unrealistic expectations. I'm figuring things out, one day at a time. Some days are easy, but others are terribly difficult, for reasons I can't even pinpoint. I'm quickly realizing that no one views my life, my situations, or my experiences exactly like I do, so sometimes my thoughts and feelings are impossible to explain. And even when people do hurt me lately, I only feel guilt, as if I'm the one that's overreacting. As if I wouldn't have gotten upset in the first place if I wasn't so over-emotional lately.

I don't know who to turn to anymore. I feel as if I should be making giant steps in the right direction by now. I should be well on my way to being happy. But things keep piling up, one thing after another. I'm confused. The people I want to be there for me are not, at least not to the extent I would like. The ones who have absolutely no reason to be are the ones I end up talking to the most. The ones who I know are always there for me no matter what, my family and my very best friends, I'm having a hard time opening up to. I'm sick of all the shit that's been going on. I'm sick of talking about it, and I'm sick of thinking about it, so I know others must feel the same way. I feel like I need to just get over it, to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I just don't know how to do that. I have a hard time concentrating on anything lately. I find myself over-thinking the past, analyzing, wishing I had done things differently. I don't have the desire to do anything anymore. I keep hoping this will all get better once I move into an apartment, once I'm out on my own, but that in itself is a struggle. I don't want to live alone, to move out of my house, to leave the comforts of my current living situation. Sure, it isn't ideal right now, and it probably isn't healthy, but it is comfortable and familiar. It's safe. 

I know I'm getting stronger. I keep making mistakes, but I keep learning from them. I'm in a much better place than I was a few months ago, and I know things will keep getting better, even if there are setbacks along the way. I just wish the process would speed up a bit. It's amazing I even have any tears left to cry at this point, but they still seem to appear more often than I'd like lately.

I'm absolutely in love with this song. It quite accurately describes how I'm feeling. I didn't include the whole thing, because I'm not there yet. If you don't know it, Google the lyrics. "Little Miss" by Sugarland. I'm hoping that someday soon, I'll get to the end of the song. But until then:

"Little Miss down on luck

Little Miss I give up

Little Miss I'll get tough

Don't you worry about me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress

Little Miss one big mess

Little Miss I'll take less

When I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again..."

{the sound of sunshine}

 Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Lots of things make me happy, but right now, this would make me happiest. Florida. The perks are endless. I'd get to see my mom, who I miss like crazy; bask in the wonderful, scorching heat; lie on the beach and do absolutely nothing; and forget about my life for a short while. I'm sick of everything about North Dakota right now: the bi-polar weather, sitting by myself in the photo studio day after day, the constant reminders of the past, and the realities of the future. I need an escape, to forget about my worries, to move forward, and to become me again. I need to stop thinking so much, and stop trying to plan so much. I need to love more, trust more, live more. I need to take chances and not dwell over the consequences. I need a vacation.

Soon enough, I suppose.

"I wish I had some time just to kill today

and I wish I had a dime for every bill I've got to pay

Some days you lose you win

and the water's as high as the times you're in
so I jump back in there where I learned to swim

try to keep my head above it the best I can
That's why, here I am

just waiting for this storm to pass me by 

and that's the sound of sunshine coming down"

{in time of test, family is best}

Day 17 - A photo of you and your family:

 

Words can't even express how much I love and miss this group of people. I am truly blessed with an amazing family. I'm headed to Florida over Easter to spend the holiday with my parents, and I'm currently booking a trip to Michigan in September to visit my sister and her family. I absolutely can't wait for both trips! I love this group of people, and need to thank God more often for them.

Day 18: Something you crave a lot:

Ice cream. Hands down. In fact, I gave up ice cream for Lent this year, but totally caved tonight and inhaled a Mint Oreo Blizzard. Take my word for it... it was very much necessary.

Day 19: Another picture of yourself:

I'm skipping this one. I don't really have any photos of just me and don't feel like searching for any.

Day 20: The meaning behind your blog name:

Ah. "perceived truth." I chose this name because it is one of the hardest, but most valuable lessons I have learned this past year. Truth is perceived. Two people can be in the same place at the same time, experiencing the exact situation, but their realities and what they believe to be true can be wildly different from one another. This happens constantly in our everyday lives. How often do you and a friend remember the same situation differently, or remember a conversation differently based on the perception of someone's body language or tone of voice? This is a fairly complex topic, but I found it fitting for my blog name. This is my reality. You may not agree with what I say, but my posts are based off of my experiences and perceived truth. More on this topic at a later date. ;)

{oops!}

More catch-up. Man I suck at this challenge!

Day 14: A TV show you're currently addicted to.

I know, I'm nowhere near a typical American... but I almost never watch TV. Lately though my favorites have been the Top 20 countdowns on VH1 and CMT. Gotta love lazy weekend mornings!

Day 15: Something you don't leave the house without.

This one is easy - my cell phone! I feel naked without it!

Day 16: Your celebrity crush.

I don't follow celebrities much, but I guess if I had to choose... ;)
Ryan Phillippe is kind of a hottie.