Well, it has been about two months now since I last blogged, and I'm to the point once again where I feel the need to get some thoughts off my chest and onto 'paper,' so to speak.
I've developed many thoughts these past few months; thoughts about myself and how I perceive people. I have a hard time believing in the concept of love anymore. I don't mean love for your family, or love for your best friends. I mean that crazy, silly, your needs before mine, break down doors and break down barriers kind of love. The kind that is supposed to be mutual, unconditional, without any doubts in the world. I've come to believe in lust and longing; where the emotions are there, but the dedication and will to give 110% to the other person is lacking. I have a hard time trusting - trusting people, trusting love, trusting my own feelings. Looking back at my past relationships for as far back as I can recall, I've always doubted myself. Looking back to my most recent failed relationships, I now doubt the feelings I was sure were there, on both ends.
Moving forward is hard. Trusting the process is hard. Logic and reason aren't lining up with reality and emotions. My head and my heart are in constant conflict, and it is exhausting. As soon as things seemingly start coming together, they just as quickly and swiftly fall apart. I don't know how to be alone. I've never, ever in my life lived alone until just recently. Sometimes I love the space, but usually I'm dying for companionship. Unfortunately, if you alienate people, they tend to alienate you right back.
I'm quickly discovering that people owe me nothing. The world owes me nothing. I deserve every opportunity or consequence bestowed upon me, for I have made every decision that has led to that event, and at the time, I made the best decision I could.
Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I still have awful days. I long for things to be the way they used to be, for the friends and relationships I used to have, and for my smart-ass personality to return. I know in my heart, though, that the way things used to be and the past relationships I had weren't ideal. They were unhealthy, sometimes fake, sometimes toxic. In the long run, I will be better off for everything I've endured. You can't take my smart-ass personality though. I'm keeping that because I know it's still there somewhere, and there's no way in hell I'm giving that up.
This weekend, I leave for a four day vacation in Florida to visit my family. My whole family will be there - my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my super sweet nephews. I'm welcoming the break with open arms, and when I return, I'm going to concentrate on putting myself first. I've tried before, but this time I'm determined to do it right. First and foremost, I'm going to concentrate on my mind and my spiritual health. I need to reestablish healthy relationships with myself and with God. Next in line is my physical health. Back to working out on a regular basis and eating nourishing, thought-out meals. Back to being ok with my body and my size, and realizing that even though I'm not perfectly toned and I have a little extra around my middle, I'm at a very healthy weight. Right in line with improving my physical health is improving my relationships with others - embracing the fact that I need to let them in more often and realizing I need to be more conscious of what's going on in their lives, too. I am bound and determined to turn things around, because life is too short to be unhappy.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
I've developed many thoughts these past few months; thoughts about myself and how I perceive people. I have a hard time believing in the concept of love anymore. I don't mean love for your family, or love for your best friends. I mean that crazy, silly, your needs before mine, break down doors and break down barriers kind of love. The kind that is supposed to be mutual, unconditional, without any doubts in the world. I've come to believe in lust and longing; where the emotions are there, but the dedication and will to give 110% to the other person is lacking. I have a hard time trusting - trusting people, trusting love, trusting my own feelings. Looking back at my past relationships for as far back as I can recall, I've always doubted myself. Looking back to my most recent failed relationships, I now doubt the feelings I was sure were there, on both ends.
Moving forward is hard. Trusting the process is hard. Logic and reason aren't lining up with reality and emotions. My head and my heart are in constant conflict, and it is exhausting. As soon as things seemingly start coming together, they just as quickly and swiftly fall apart. I don't know how to be alone. I've never, ever in my life lived alone until just recently. Sometimes I love the space, but usually I'm dying for companionship. Unfortunately, if you alienate people, they tend to alienate you right back.
I'm quickly discovering that people owe me nothing. The world owes me nothing. I deserve every opportunity or consequence bestowed upon me, for I have made every decision that has led to that event, and at the time, I made the best decision I could.
Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I still have awful days. I long for things to be the way they used to be, for the friends and relationships I used to have, and for my smart-ass personality to return. I know in my heart, though, that the way things used to be and the past relationships I had weren't ideal. They were unhealthy, sometimes fake, sometimes toxic. In the long run, I will be better off for everything I've endured. You can't take my smart-ass personality though. I'm keeping that because I know it's still there somewhere, and there's no way in hell I'm giving that up.
This weekend, I leave for a four day vacation in Florida to visit my family. My whole family will be there - my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and my super sweet nephews. I'm welcoming the break with open arms, and when I return, I'm going to concentrate on putting myself first. I've tried before, but this time I'm determined to do it right. First and foremost, I'm going to concentrate on my mind and my spiritual health. I need to reestablish healthy relationships with myself and with God. Next in line is my physical health. Back to working out on a regular basis and eating nourishing, thought-out meals. Back to being ok with my body and my size, and realizing that even though I'm not perfectly toned and I have a little extra around my middle, I'm at a very healthy weight. Right in line with improving my physical health is improving my relationships with others - embracing the fact that I need to let them in more often and realizing I need to be more conscious of what's going on in their lives, too. I am bound and determined to turn things around, because life is too short to be unhappy.
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
What a beautiful title. Thank you for sharing some of your pain, because, again, you did it so beautifully. I'd like to read your writing regularly. When a parent died just before I turned 13, I would have been lost without my writing. Writing may help you heal. Please, write again after your trip.
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